Since school has started, I have really fallen behind on my quiet time and more specifically, my prayer time. I found this link and thought, what a wonderful idea. I’m going to try this and I pray that in the end, God will use it to draw my heart closer to Him in all aspects of my life.
After returning from camp I kept thinking of how much I loved it there. I really felt that mountain top experience. My current struggle is moving on, but still loving it where I am. We have been babysitting my nieces the past week and usually I adore having them over, but I’ve currently been finding myself trying to avoid them and not be present with them. I just realized that I’m not taking in what God wants me to and that I am falling back into not loving it at home, because I’m not being present. At camp I had no other option than to be present and now that I’m home I’m struggling to be that way again. I’m really excited to figure this out and see how God will help me act it out in my life.
Feeling as selfish as I can. Desiring a love outside of God’s. I blame Him for taking away a love that is not His own, even though He entrusted it to me only for a moment. I have denied God authority over my life and try only to hold everything in the control I have, but it’s not enough. Things slip through the cracks and I stare straight through them. I have tried over and over again to be the image that everyone has asked of me, but there’s something darker at my core. I burn with a passion that I try to relight without the source. God has called to me more times than I can count, but I shrug them off. Who am I, that God could ever love me? I am nothing. The great thing is that His love is never failing. He takes away what is not building towards Him. The greatest love. He wants all of me and selfishly, I hold on to what is not mine to hold on to.
I feel as if I am out swimming in the ocean and the water is beginning to swirl around me. I have treading for hours and I am growing weary. I cry out for help, but it is washed away in the waves. I can’t do it any longer, I am admitting defeat. As I let the waves consume me, I reach up and someone grabs my hand. I am pulled up and out of the water, being rested upon a dock. A dock that was right in front of me, but I could not see it because of my determination to do it on my own.
This is how my faith has been going recently. I am so determined to do things on my own that I neglect the fact that there is someone waiting to help me. I need to trust in God and not my own strength, because my own strength will fail, I will be blinded, and I will never make it to the dock. I will be leaving next week for church camp, where I will be for five weeks. I am praying that I can use this time to reflect on God and grow in my faith. I no longer want to be drowning, but safely on the dock with Him.