Feeling as selfish as I can. Desiring a love outside of God’s. I blame Him for taking away a love that is not His own, even though He entrusted it to me only for a moment. I have denied God authority over my life and try only to hold everything in the control I have, but it’s not enough. Things slip through the cracks and I stare straight through them. I have tried over and over again to be the image that everyone has asked of me, but there’s something darker at my core. I burn with a passion that I try to relight without the source. God has called to me more times than I can count, but I shrug them off. Who am I, that God could ever love me? I am nothing. The great thing is that His love is never failing. He takes away what is not building towards Him. The greatest love. He wants all of me and selfishly, I hold on to what is not mine to hold on to.
I feel as if I am out swimming in the ocean and the water is beginning to swirl around me. I have treading for hours and I am growing weary. I cry out for help, but it is washed away in the waves. I can’t do it any longer, I am admitting defeat. As I let the waves consume me, I reach up and someone grabs my hand. I am pulled up and out of the water, being rested upon a dock. A dock that was right in front of me, but I could not see it because of my determination to do it on my own.
This is how my faith has been going recently. I am so determined to do things on my own that I neglect the fact that there is someone waiting to help me. I need to trust in God and not my own strength, because my own strength will fail, I will be blinded, and I will never make it to the dock. I will be leaving next week for church camp, where I will be for five weeks. I am praying that I can use this time to reflect on God and grow in my faith. I no longer want to be drowning, but safely on the dock with Him.
Tonight I spent my evening with friends and it hit me with how I’ve really been struggling with feelings. I desire marriage and want to be in a relationship so bad, but I know that right now that is not what God wants for my life. As I drove home from an enjoyable evening, I was in tears. I keep telling myself on repeat that you need to be okay. It’s fine. This is what God wants. But as God is filing me down and refining my heart I realize my problem is all my own heart and desires. There is nothing wrong with marriage or relationships, God blesses them even, but there’s something wrong with me. I am holding onto things I shouldn’t because I have not been okay with just God. I’ve been obsessing over relationships and blaming God all along, asking why He wouldn’t want me to be happy. In all reality He does want me to be happy, but I can’t be happy outside of him. I confessed to Him tonight that I want to be okay, but as human and weak as I am I need His help. It’s okay to admit defeat, God wants our burdens. It’s okay to admit we need help, it shows God we depend on Him. It’s okay to let go of our greatest desires, because not only is God better than all of them, He is in control. God is so awesome and I want to be okay with just Him, knowing my life might never be what I want, but that what He wants is so much better. I may struggle, but I am okay with just God.